


Tainted

by castivak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Episode: s08e07 A Little Slice of Kevin, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Panic Attacks, Post-Purgatory, Vomiting, kinda i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-20 21:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16563659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castivak/pseuds/castivak
Summary: a shower should wash it away, get the disgusting feel of dirt, sweat, and.../things/ off of him





	Tainted

" _unbelievable_ man, i-i can't believe it! you're actually here!" sam exclaimed, a wide smile on his face as he looked at castiel, "yeah, i've been trying to reach out, but for whatever reason, i wasn't at full power, so i couldn't connect with you."  
  
"that must've been why you kept seeing him, i mean, ya think?"  
  
"yeah...yeah, uh, i gotta be honest, i-i'm thinking how the _hell_ did you make it out?" dean questioned, castiel looked up at him and waited for him to continue, "i mean, i-i was there, i know that place. i know how we had to scratch, and claw, and kill, and bleed to find that portal and make it through it, and it almost _finished_ me."  
  
the angel kept his gaze locked on dean, thinking of a good answer and trying to keep himself from not going into a full-blown panic attack as memories from that god forsaken place flooded his mind.  
  
"so, uh....how are you exactly sitting here with us right now?"  
  
"dean, everything you just said is completely true, and thats the strange part, i.....have no idea." he spoke, dean raising an eyebrow in confusion and castiel took a breath before continuing, "i remember endlessly....running and hiding from leviathan, then i was on the side of the road in illinois, and....that was it."  
  
_you didn't run fast enough._  
  
castiel shoved that thought to the back of his mind, or at least tried to, "and that was it?" dean questioned and he nodded, "yes."  
  
castiel straightened up and looked at sam, who seemed equally as confused, before looking back down at himself, his chest filling up with this cold feeling as he looked at all the grime on his body.  
  
"....i'm dirty."  
  
"yeah, well, purgatory will do that to ya." dean mumbled, the angel not entirely sure if he was making a joke to lighten mood or just stating a fact, castiel deciding it was best to not question it and he got up, walking to the bathroom.  
  
in theory, he didn't really need to 'wash up', he could just mojo the gunk away, but _dammit_ he was going to take a shower and nobody was doing to stop him.  
  
castiel shut the door behind him, locking it and turning to the shower, turning it onto the perfect temperature with just a slight twist of his wrist, staring at the water besting down on the porcelain for a second before he stripped out of his clothes.  
  
his coat was covered in (black and red) blood and dirt and other things he really did not want to think about, the angel hanging it up and waving his hand over it, the trench coat now looking like he had just bought it.  
  
_cleaning your clothes won't change anything._  
  
castiel shuddered at the thought before taking off the dirty hospital uniform, throwing it into a pile on the floor before snapping his fingers; a white button up, dress pants, shoes, socks, and a blue tie laid in a stack on the sink counter.  
  
the angel stepped into the shower, the hot water cascading down his back and head, letting out a sigh at the warmth and he grabbed a wash rag, wetting it and getting soap on it before scrubbing it furiously against his skin.  
  
_you can't scrub this away, castiel._  
  
castiel clenched his teeth, scrubbing every inch of his skin until it turned red from the friction and heat, needing to remove more than just the dirt that caked his body.  
  
_our touch won't leave._  
  
he kept scrubbing, pausing as he saw some dark bruises on his thighs, his hands starting to shake as the feeling of their hands on him returned.  
  
_we marked you._  
  
castiel leaned against the wall, trying to calm himself down as flashes of what they did to him filled his vision.  
  
_you're tainted castiel!_  
  
the angel doubled over, bile shooting its way out of his mouth and spilling down the drain, gasping for air before the next round of vile liquid poured out of him, making the already tinted water a grosser color.  
  
_tarnished! ruined! repulsive!_  
  
"s-stop...."  
  
_we **ruined** you, castiel!_  
  
"stop."  
  
_you have been **destroyed** by us and there is no going back!_  
  
"stop!"  
  
castiel slammed his fist against the ceramic tile, freezing as he felt his hand go through the wall and he moved his hand away from the hole, staring at his slightly scraped hand, watching the small injuries heal in seconds.  
  
the angel sighed, finishing up in the shower before stepping out and getting dressed, waving his hand over his face and removing the facial hair that had grown in the blink of an eye.  
  
castiel stared at the dirty pile of clothes, glaring at them and clenching his fist so that they burst into flames and vanished in seconds, not needing those to be anywhere near him anymore.  
  
he found himself washing his hands, even after the shower, needing to just feel _clean_ a little while longer and he grabbed a towel, drying his hands as he stepped out of the bathroom, turning to the winchesters with a small smile on his face.  
  
"better?"


End file.
